This morning I woke up, tripped over my handbag and landed in my laundry pile. I then managed to get muscle rub in my eye, scald myself making coffee, and trip again on my way into my office (this time with an audience). These were all annoying things. However the thing I found most annoying this morning was getting dressed. In fact, I think the reason that I have noticed every annoying thing about today is because of how I felt when I was getting dressed. Fat. Not just fat, mammoth! I looked at myself while getting dressed today and I was disgusted. Irrational dysmorpia aside, reason tells me that I am a totally normal size. I am 5'7", weigh about 140lbs and wear a US size 8 (UK size 12). NORMAL! In fact, below average! Logically I know that if I am the same height, weight and size that I was three months ago, I most likely do not look fatter than I did three months ago. Yet still I am completely consumed by a horror at my appearance at least once a week.
This makes me angry - both with myself and with all of the things I think make me feel this way. If it was only me, I could say that I perhaps have a bit of a problem and need to address it, but it's not. So many of my absolutely beautiful friends feel the same way. It is appalling. And I know it is wrong but it is still so dominant. Every time I watch TV I feel fat. Read a magazine - feel fat. See a movie - feel fat. Watch the news - get TOLD I'm fat. Don't even get me started on how I feel when I am eating! The other night I watched this programme called Superskinny Me in which two journalists crash dieted to show the effects of dropping down from a US size 8 to a US size 00. Do you know what I thought when I was watching this? "They don't look that skinny." Ridiculous! This woman was describing how she could put her hands almost around her waist, and rather than gasping in horror I reminisced about a time when I could have done that too. And is it any wonder? During the commericals of this show there were at least two ads for work out videos and a commercial for Slim-Fast! Even during a documentary about the dangers of dieting we are pummeled with weight loss propaganda. We're so fucking brainwashed that we think if you are not starving you're a moose.
Frankly I have had enough. I refuse to let myself feel like shit because I eat three meals everyday and have things to do besides going to the gym. When I told people about reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf and the theory that women are being oppressed by physical expectations/standards, my friends thought I was just a crazy feminist. But look around you, seriously look around. Look at all of the things that tell you you're not good enough/rich enough/well dressed enough/thin enough/pretty enough/young enough. Then look and see what those bastards are trying to sell you in order to "feel/be better."
I am not buying it anymore.
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