Life amongst Ostriches

I watched a film last night that moved me so much that I couldn't sleep afterwards. Half Nelson, a story about an idealistic schoolteacher with a crack addiction that he barely keeps under control, had such a profound effect on me that I spent most of the night mulling the themes over in my head. This man who was so inspired by activism and imbued with a feeling that he was destined to make positive change in the world, but at the same time grappling with the horrifying realisation that there was very little he could do to make those changes. Although he never said so in the film (in fact he never made any attempts to justify his habit), I got the sense that his drug abuse was a means of shutting out the the pain he experienced as a result of the above realisation. The film moved me for many reasons - the style and writing of the was beautiful, and the relationship shared between the teacher and his student was hopeful and kind - but mainly I was gripped by the main character's struggle with his own limitations and the intensity of the pain and injustice of the world. This is probably because it is such a familiar scenario.

Someone said to me recently after I had invited them to several events (many of which were protests or talks about social justice), "It's all just too heavy for a weekend." I get this a lot. The things I want to do or talk about are too serious for many of the people in my life, and so I toe the line trying to be happy and cheerful. It's important, you see, not to make anyone uncomfortable by exposing them to the reality of the world outside their lovely lives. It wouldn't be entirely fair for me to pass judgement. In fact I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little jealous. I often think that my life would be easier if I never thought about the horrors of war, or whether or not the clothes I buy were sold by companies who exploit and abuse their employees, or if the chicken I eat suffered horrible conditions before being slaughtered. I would love to be entertained by romantic comedies where everyone is happy in the end and no one gets hurt. I wish I could read the newspaper or watch the news without feeling a horrible ache inside. I want to go to work every day somewhere where I can do my job, make lots of money, go home and spend that money as I see fit, without thinking about the people in the world who have nothing. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't love to be free of this sense of sadness and guilt that people are suffering and I am not. I envy people the ability to do this, even resent them a little.

I do what I can to fit in with friends and family who like a 'lighter' life. I attempt to balance my need to raise people's awareness of issues and encourage action against me need to be accepted by my peers and have someone to have a drink with on a Friday night. I can't lie and say it doesn't piss me off that I can't do both simultaneously, and in spite of my partial understanding of why someone doesn't want to watch the news because "it's too depressing," I sometimes want to stand on a table and shout "You're all fucking sheep! Stop burying your head in the sand for an easy life!"

My mother-in-law recently expressed disgust at Hillary Clinton for showing too much emotion when her voice broke a bit while talking about the state of the country. In fact, she said this one moment made her second-guess whether or not she thought Hillary was "strong enough" and had enough "dignity" to win the election. I watched that same clip on the news, and I cried. I cried because I was so relieved that someone cared enough to be so upset. How does someone who feels this way function in today's world? How am I supposed to cope when even my family and my husband think that I am "too much work" when I prattle on about the pain I feel at the state of our society? I am so tired of being ashamed or embarrassed about feeling the way I do. Why isn't everyone else embarrassed that they don't? Why don't people feel embarrassed for getting up every morning and going to work for a corporation which unashamedly exploits it's employees? Why don't people feel embarrassed and ashamed at having friends who make racist, sexist remarks and defend themselves by claiming they don't hurt anyone? Why aren't people ashamed and embarrassed that they benefit every day from a democracy in which they do not feel obligated to participate? Why aren't people embarrassed and ashamed that every day they are funding military operations that kill and maim innocent people?

And here I am, working hard not to make people uncomfortable. That makes me just as bad as they are. Perhaps it is time I feel a bit more embarrassed and ashamed at that.