I should undoubtedly avoid all things blog at present given my impending deadlines, but it is nice to get away from work and clear the cobwebs that sometimes interfere with reading and writing. The sun is beaming through my office window and distracting me terribly. I feel like a child stuck in school on the last days before summer vacation, staring at the clock and counting the minutes until I can go home and run through the sprinklers. At the moment, going home means eating dinner and then heading straight back to work so it holds less appeal than it used to.
I have subjected myself to a ridiculous amount of self-analysis lately and that can only lead to trouble. Emotional outbursts and misinterpretation of things people say to me abound...I have become so familiar with this cycle that I knew what was coming next before it actually happened. There is always some attempt at reinvention at this point - a frustration with what I feel I must reject and yet seem unable to control. Naturally I decided to dye my hair instead, going from a natural blonde with a bit of peroxide help to a dark red-head. Voila - new me.
How odd it is that changing something about your physical appearance can make you feel better. It is a control issue, I suppose, a way of taking charge of change in a place where you can see fast and immediate results. But it always works, if only temporarily. It is another facet of my extreme personality, my tendancy to demand radical and instant change in response to feeling discontent. In a prior life I changed location (ah how my wanderlust longs for the same reaction now), but my job and relationship have me rooted firmly in Belfast. At one time I would have changed social circles as well, leaving behind the people who know the persona I am trying to shed in an attempt to create new circles which will accommodate the new me. But alas, I am an adult now and fully aware that while we must never stop striving for self-improvement, we must also accept who we are and grow to love ourselves for it. Besides, I quite like my people and would miss them far too much if I were to set bridges alight as I have in previous years.
Really I just need to get out of my own head and back into reality. I miss the lightness of contentment - these periods of frustration and self-pity are shrinking in duration, and each time I start to crave the land of the living more quickly than the time previous. I will take this as a positive step, proof that in spite of the old cliche about the leopard changing its spots I can still progress towards better reactions and coping skills. And if change takes too long, I can always just dye those pesky spots the right colour in the meantime.
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3 comments:
Yes, self-analysis can be helpful up to a point but too much can become counter-productive and what's going on inside turns into jumbled confusion. When I feel the urge to reinvent myself, I don't usually change my exterior, just what's going on in my head and my way of looking at things. Amazing how one shift in perspective can lead to many others.
Funny, unlike some bloggers, I don't have a clear visual picture of you at all. I see you as a thinnish brunette and that's about it. So even the brunette needs revising!
Brilliant! Love that you dyed your hair, and loved your interpretation of what it facilitated for you. Nice one! Can't wait to see it.
One of the first things I noticed in my healing process (which will continue till the day I am no more) was being aware of the mechanics of my reactions. Often, we like to cloak ourselves in mystery, however, I reckon alot of what we do, are schematised reactions like these. It is a powerful thing to be aware of them, to see them unfolding as if in slower motion. It takes much longer to be able, not only to see these reactions taking place, and to become aware of the triggers...but to also then bring about slight changes.
I realised also, that being aware of the reactions, and demystifying myself alittle, was often enough to take away the sense of threat and my reactionary aggressive-defence that was connected to it.
It seems to me that you are doing well! Go easy on yourself. Be good to yourself. You are getting there (somewhere easier)
Nick,
I've been a thinnish brunette before. Perhaps you were imagining my former self! You share a name with my PhD supervisor, and for some reason I have given you his face as well. Odd.
You're right about too much self-analysis. It is exhausting as well as confusing. Maybe maturity will eventually help me make internal changes, or at least be content with the slow-moving nature of those changes.
Raindog,
I hate being aware of my "schematised reactions," it makes me feel bland and predictable! It does, however, provide some comfort in times of chaos or rapid change.
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