The Consequences of Language - My triumphant return to the soapbox

In my high school year book, there was a section entitled "Can you imagine...?" In it, the staff of the yearbook committee got together and came up with a way to finish that sentence for each of the graduating seniors. For example: Can you imagine...Cindy Cheerleader having a bad hair day? Or: Can you imagine...Jason Jock not playing three sports? In reality, they were often much more cruel than that. I remember one girl who had a baby junior year was immortalised with ...as a nun? at the end of her sentence. Anyway, my senior yearbook read Can you imagine [Fate's Granddaughter]...without an opinion? I was quite proud of it at first. I hadn't realised it was meant as a dig. An insult referring to the "self-righteous know-it-all" status I had unknowingly acquired in my four years at a small town (sometimes small minded) high school. You see, back then I thought people appreciated the sharing of ideas and information, though I could make a difference somehow (I used to trumpet this as my theme song) - thought people would be grateful for stimulating debate and challenges. Silly, silly child.

It's nearly ten years later and I am still full of opinions, but go around spouting them less. I now hold stronger and deeper convictions, yet I have tried to step off my soapbox when talking about them. I am more cautious in my doling out of ideas, have learned how to soften the blow and coat the pill a bit. I'm not sure if this is a better or worse way to be. Occasionally, though, I feel unable to control myself. I still have my triggers - those things that unleash the Evangelist in me and send me on a mission to recruit non-members to my way of thinking once and for all. One of those triggers is the refusal to accept the danger of derogatory/degrading language.

I am not talking about political correctness. Not asking anyone to change women to womyn. I am just asking people to be aware of their daily discourse, and the potential it has to perpetuate ideas and stereotypes. It can be such simple things, things said in passing or in casual conversation - the things people barely even notice as controversial. Those are the most dangerous ones, because they seep into our consciousness and become part of the conversational landscape; then part of our thoughts, perceptions and finally, our actions. It's the passing racist joke that no one questions because there are "no black people in the room, so who are we offending?" It's "phwoar-ing" at a woman and looking her up and down, and expecting her to take it as a compliment. It's telling stories about a Polish family getting a house in a desirable area when a local person couldn't, with a general acceptance that local people are more entitled to that space...

I'll give you a recent example.

My friend, Catrina, went on a training course last week where the male trainer repeatedly commented on the weight and attractiveness of the females in the class. I was horrified by the stories she relayed, and even more horrified when she said no one was going to complain. I pleaded with her to say something, pointed out that he would likely continue to make other women feel uncomfortable and unwilling to attend a second day of training (and then receive a paycheck for his efforts!). But she didn't want to cause any trouble or seen to be making a fuss over nothing. "He was all talk," she added, "harmless enough really."

That night, when I had dinner with Trina and her family, the conversation led to a discussion of The Apprentice. I couldn't help but talk about how sexist Alan Sugar is and how disgusting it is that his sexism is paraded around on TV without reprisal while we all hail him as a business and reality TV hero (I have been reeling since last series and last week just put me over the edge). While everyone agreed that the female candidate was clearly stronger, they could not see the sexism in the decision. I pointed out Sugar's comment that Claire was clearly an incredibly savvy business woman, but he didn't think he could work with her because of her personality - she talked too much, always had an opinion, was generally mouthy (I am paraphrasing here). Yet weeks before he repeatedly failed to fire Michael, a man who was clearly not very clever and who was perhaps the most annoying man I had ever seen. Instead he had a funny fondness for him - saw a bit of gusto in his ability to argue. Trina's father was quick to interject.

"Here we go," he groaned. "Now we're not allowed to say that women are annoying to work with even when they are annoying to work with!" He put his fork down for emphasis. "The fact is, women are just harder to get along with in the workplace. They nag and complain, and then they want to be treated as equal. And we can't even say anything about it - because they're women!" He then went on to tell the story of his annoying female boss, and how impossible she is, and how they all think she is an overbearing, nit-picking moron.

This was all said with intermittent chuckles and a bit of light-heartedness. As if it was meant to be a bit of fun and in good humour. Everyone else at the table kind of laughed to themselves. "Ha ha. Listen to the funny sexist. Isn't sexism hilarious?" I imagined them all thinking. I tried to make a point by asking "How would you like it if I said that I don't like working with men because they never take on board any ideas except their own and they're arrogant and self-serving?" (this is, in fact, how I feel about one male colleague - not all men.) The point was missed - one of the brothers answered me with "I wouldn't care because I would know you are full of shit. That's just not true." More laughter. This family was truly hilarious.

You may think I've digressed, but in fact I am just about to reach my point.

Is it too much to think that conversations like this are exactly what have convinced Trina that it is not ok for her to complain about being sexually harassed at work? Everyone thinks it is all light and fun to make sexist/racist/ageist jokes as long as everyone knows we're joking - but we are ignoring the potential these "silly discussions" have to make these "isms" part of our psyches in such a way that they become tolerable through exposure. If your family makes jokes at the dinner table about how annoying it is when women complain in the workplace, the odds are the women at that table aren't going to feel very comfortable complaining in the workplace. If your friends all sit around and make racist jokes after a few drinks, what's to say that after a few more drinks, those jokes could be directed at a minority? If the newspapers keep telling you that black people are responsible for crime in society, aren't you more likely to be more afraid of a black person than you are a white person?

Maybe I am not making any sense. Maybe I am over-reacting. I just wish I could convince people that they need to be aware of what they say and how they say it. I don't want to live in a world where people don't feel they can say how they feel or go around panicking constantly that they've said the wrong thing - this sort of extreme reaction to the argument is often used as a rebuke when I point out the potential impact of poorly chosen discourse. It is not one way or the other - not as simple as either accept people making offensive or damaging comments under the guise of humour/news reporting/etc., or live in a oppressive regime of over-the-top political correctness. I don't expect people to be perfect (I once referred to "the natives" of Fiji in front of an African woman - she laughed for ages before telling me I should probably call them Fijians), but I do expect people to take responsibility for the stuff that comes out of their mouths, and start accepting that there is not often a lot of distance between what we say, and what we think/do.

Note:
I have added this link to show how complicit the media often are in this. Pay attention to how they take the a woman who is being discriminated against and validate the discrimination by attacking her character. I could have linked thousands more; including this more subtle one in today's Guardian about how nurses, a profession dominated by females, are to be judged partly on how much they smile on the job.