I am so full of baby right now. Physically and mentally and emotionally full of this baby. There is little time and space in my life for anything else, and he/she hasn't even come out of the womb yet. The closer the due date gets (we're just about four weeks away now) the more consumed I am with how I am going to keep my baby safe, how I am going to deliver him safely, how I am going to get him home safely and feed him and clothe him and bathe him safely. No one and nothing else matters at all, not even myself. I am overwhelmed with my apathy towards everything I usually hold dear as I brace myself for this change, brace myself for the seismic shift that is about to occur in my life.
There is plenty of room to worry about normality, though. Is it normal to gain this much weight? Is it normal to have Braxton-Hicks contractions for this long? Is it normal to think about the baby morning noon and night? Is it normal for the baby to kick that way or this way? Is it normal that I care so god damned much about being normal? Under typical circumstances, I find the 'norm' to be dull and almost offensive. I fight against it, hoping to challenge or surpass it. And yet now all I want is for someone to tell me that this pain is normal, that this worry is normal, that this anxiety is normal. That I am normal and the baby is normal.
Is this what I have to look forward to in motherhood? A resignation to being known and behaving only as some one's mother? A life filled with hoping for normal? It is the antithesis of what I have always strove for. And yet it feels so comfortable, so right at this moment in time. If for a moment I am distracted from all things baby I feel guilty and panicked. I am overwhelmed with love for this tiny person, am so excited to meet him that I can hardly take it. I talk to him as though he is another person living in my house with us, as though he could answer me back.
I think I will just try to enjoy this time, this feeling of fullness. I remember what the emptiness feels like, and I don't want to know that again. Those who know and love me will understand my retreat from the real world, from my other self. I am sure she will re-emerge someday soon. Stronger, better - warmed and shaped by the love of a child and the wisdom of motherhood.
Will you bear with me until then?
About Me
- Fate's Granddaughter
- Ireland
- I am an American ex-patriot. I am an obsessive, empathic, passionate, hot-tempered, sarcastic perfectionist. I am an enthusiastic lover of books, travel, dogs and independent films. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and an activist.
by nickhereandnow
my baby
love of my life
old home
new home
4 comments:
I have been worried about you and the baby, I am so glad to read you are both doing well!
Enjoy the next few weeks of quiet. I'll be praying you have a safe delivery followed by many years of normal!
It sounds perfectly normal to be giving so much attention to your baby, to bringing her/him into the world safely, and to being generally a good parent. If you're centred on giving unconditional love and affection and helping your child to become a mature, confident and fulfilled adult, that surely is enough. And no doubt there'll be plenty of people giving you advice on how to do that!
I would suggest having confidence in your innate nurturing and parenting skills and not being too anxious or self-doubting, as you might pass on the anxiety and self-doubt to your child. I should know, it happened to me!
Thanks to you both. And thank you especially for still stopping by in spite of my constant absence these days!
By my calculations, those four weeks are up.
I hope everything has gone well, and I really hope we hear good news from you soon.
Post a Comment