What is a Lady to Do?

I think I am betraying feminism. In fact, I think that lately I have been setting feminism back a few years.

Since moving in with my in-laws I find myself suddenly spending an awful lot of time in the kitchen, and getting chastised a lot when I don't. Somehow this project of renovating my new house has become my father-in-law's project, and I have been sent back to where I belong (see 'the kitchen'). At first I thought maybe I was just being a little touchy, a bit 'American' about the whole thing. But day by day I am starting to see some dangerous patterns emerging:

1. I am no longer consulted or permitted input into decisions made about the house
2. I am frequently told that I should not go to the house because there is 'no work for a woman' round there
3. My father in law refuses to tell me how much the electrician and plasterer are charging because he is concerned I will 'go off and spend the money' if I realise it is cheaper than previously anticipated
4. I was told that I don't do enough around the house, specifically that I am apparently 'afraid' to cook dinner because normally I 'make' my husband do it - which is apparently wrong
5. According to my father-in-law, my husband is too scared of me to make his own decisions, and this is my fault because I am so overbearing

On the day that the concrete floor was due to be laid, my FIL was searching desperately for a third body to help with the work. In spite of the fact that I was able to strip plaster off the walls faster than both of his sons, the FIL believed that pouring concrete was 'no job for a woman.' Neither, apparently, is sweeping up glass from the floor. Perhaps there is some genetic defect in the make up of female hands that makes us more susceptible to glass induced injury. Also, there seems to be some inherent inability for my female brain to make any decision or answer any questions about the house. This must be why whenever contractors ask questions (always directed at my husband) my better half stares blankly at me, leaving me to come up with the solutions - which, by the way, I am more than able to do. It seems that having breasts has been classified as a disability, and everyone is ok with it except me.

Now maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but there is substantial research that shows a connection between sexism and distribution of household chores. So you can understand my concern when I see my husband has started to relax into this happy little world where men do manly jobs and women do womanly ones. When I ask him for help with household chores, he has started saying things like "I've been at work all day" (um, hello, where do you think I have been all day? The circus?) or "when the football is over." When I ask him to pick up a greeting card for HIS mother's birthday or to come with me to visit HIS grandmother, he asks why I don't do it myself (this from a man who has spent one holiday with my family since we met and doesn't remember my mom's last name, never mind buying her a birthday card). Suddenly the man I love seems to have forgotten how to look after himself.

His sudden lapse into the 1950's is a bit annoying, but I am not overly worried for the long term. I know exactly how to handle my husband. The fact is, his father is right. He is a bit afraid of me. Frankly anyone who sorts through our joint laundry pile to find only his clothes and then asks me to wash and iron them needs to be afraid! I did not put myself through seven years of higher education (with another three to go) to do someone else's laundry. He knows I am not his slave, and I am sure once we get out of his parents' house and his mother doesn't pander to his every whim he will remember that fact.

But what the hell do I do with my father-in law? Do I accept that he is set in his ways and clearly has an inferiority complex because the family roles in his own family are not what he is used to (his wife has always worked, and incidentally is the primary breadwinner in the family)? Do I keep my mouth shut and be grateful that he is letting me live in his house and doing so much work on my behalf? Is there any way to be respectful and maintain my dignity? Because honestly, I am doing so many dishes my fingers are pruning. And if I accept one more of his sexist remarks I am certain Elizabeth Cady Stanton will roll over in her grave.

If he were anyone else I would firmly tell him to shove his dishes up his arse or do them his bloody self! However I think that might leave me homeless - and perhaps divorced.